Reflections on Doula Work
Doula work is deeply personal for me and causes me to constantly be reassessing and self-assessing as I seek to grow in this role. Thanks to my journal, dear friends, and wonderful counselor, this year has offered many lessons and revelations about my work. As the year comes to a close, I’m thinking more about how I relate to this role and how I’ve changed as a doula over the last three years. Many of these statements I would have agreed with when I initially become a doula but have only sunk in and become real to me in recent months.
It’s not about me. Waiting for a client to go into labor can be nerve-wracking for me. I can start to overthink and get anxious about whether I will meet their expectations, how I will help them navigate unexpected scenarios, and how it may affect my family if I need to suddenly leave. My mind can spiral a bit. But then I think back to when I was getting ready for a friend’s wedding and voiced concern over my appearance only to have someone quickly remind (and humble) me, “well, no one’s looking at you today anyway.” True. The wedding day was not about me. This family’s big day of meeting their baby is not about me either. It’s about them receiving the support they deserve through whatever joys and challenges arise in the process. It may be exhausting, inconvenient, or even anxiety-inducing for me at times as I confront my own insecurities, but this is a life changing day for this family. The parents and new baby are worthy of a doula who leaves these concerns at the door and shows up ready to serve, care, and guide.
It’s not about how I prefer to birth. I have a lot of opinions about birth and how I want to birth my babies. I devour podcasts, blogs, and books, and have arrived at some strong preferences for things like birthing location to cord traction and almost everything in between (although I do find myself clinging less tightly to these opinions as time goes on). It is not often that a client and I are in 100% agreement about how we want to birth our babies. As a newborn doula (since I may still be classified as a baby doula), I had a big tug-of-war on my heart about this. What if they WANT something I think is harmful? What if I don’t feel like they are really informed about the potential dangers of ______? What if they make a decision I wouldn’t make for myself? Over time I realized that is okay. In any of those scenarios, they are exercising their right to birth how they want. These parents and parents-to-be are seeing opinions about birth at every turn on the internet and potentially from family and friends. Birth is deeply personal and there are many things to consider as we choose what matters to us about how our babies enter this world. It is not my job to share my opinions about the many facets of childbirth or even to inform families about all of the pros and cons to each decision if they do not ask. It is my job to provide information when requested and to instill in them the confidence to make the best decisions for their birth and new baby. There is diversity in birth because each family is unique and I am now able to wholeheartedly support and even celebrate that.
Doula work is about getting close, not shying away. Usually when I meet clients, they are strangers. After two meetings, I arrive at their birth and see them at their most vulnerable. Sometimes they are crying. Sometimes they are naked. Sometimes they are feeling out of control and frenzied. When I first began this work, I could feel uncomfortable about even being there, witnessing their vulnerability. I would hold back, suddenly feeling self-conscious about involving myself in such an intimate situation. I would want to provide comforting touch or offer an encouraging word, but I would feel paralyzed. It’s taken practice but I’m growing in my comfortability and pushing myself to take every opportunity to provide comfort, ease, and encouragement. Unless they’ve expressed a desire for limited touch or talking, people in labor generally need all the love and care we can lavish on them. I now offer the same advice to partners wondering how to support the person in labor — stay close. Meet their needs. Say something nice and simple. Offer comforting touch. And do not hold back.
It’s all about connection. In the beginning, I worried about having all the right answers. Covering all of the right content. Meeting their expectations of what a doula should be. The reality is, parents have many places to look for answers — pediatricians, parents, experienced friends, Google — and although I believe doulas are valuable sources of knowledge, parents truly need someone to embrace them with warmth, listen to and validate their concerns (and hopes!), and to rely on to be there for the whole process. That is much more memorable than being able to provide a comprehensive answer about their feeding question or be able to succinctly list their options for xyz. Turns out, it’s never a big deal to tell someone “I’ll get back to you about that” but it IS a big deal if they don’t feel connected to you as a person they’ve invited into this sacred space.
I have zero control over anything but myself. I’ve spent a lot of time and mental energy wondering When will they go into labor? How long until the baby is here? Which doctor will be on call? Surely they will make it to their 37 week induction, right? Wrong. Birth is never predictable. Babies come at 38 weeks even for first time moms sometimes. Even when their first birth was short and smooth, their second birth can be “long” and come with some bumps. Babies come before inductions. Babies flip at the last second before a scheduled Cesarean. People make different decisions in labor than they planned. I can never know when babies will come or how it will go or how long it will take or how the parents will navigate it all, so now I just focus on how I can support them in the waiting and the wondering. When so much of our birth culture is focused on these logistics, I can shift my attention to the parents and their beautifully unfolding story.
The common theme I am seeing this year is freedom. Freedom to have my own opinions, thoughts, and preferences that don’t stop me from supporting a different route and different priorities. Freedom to not have all the answers. Freedom to be a whole person to my clients, to share in the vulnerabilities and anxieties and victories of parenting with them instead of providing formulaic responses. And freedom to allow birth to unfold however the body and baby choose to do so without prediction, frustration, or anticipation. My hope is that in my presence families feel these same freedoms to birth how they desire without fear of judgment or unsolicited advice, to open themselves up to care and support, and be fully seen in their postpartum period however it arrives to them. This year, I am thankful that the gifts of time and experience are allowing me to grow in confidence, ability, and compassion. This encourages me as I step into another year and hopefully many more of serving families.
Are you curious about how a doula could support you and your family before, during, and after the arrival of your little one?
